I'm not happy, not in the least. Maeve hasn't answered my owl. Karma sucks hard. Is she not answering me because she's still mourning Nott and needed to be alone or is it something more ? I don't like not knowing. If I don't know what's going on, how am I to know what to do to help? Do I go looking for her? Have I lost that right? Was I gone too long? How bad did I fuck up? I need to drop by and warn Pans. She needs to know that Vin is insane. I have no clue what his game is, but forewarned is forearmed after all. Maybe I'll go this afternoon.

I also need to discuss with River the validity of her staying here. And no, it isn't about shagging her. That can wait until we've become more secure in where we're going. Not that I would say no if she jumped me, it's just that I don't want our whole basis to be on shagging. We... we've known each other for years. When I look back, she was usually there with Maeve at Hogwarts. How many times did I tuck those two into bed, pouring hangover potions in them after they'd snuck out to Hogsmeade? How many times did the two of them fall asleep talking in the common room, or Maeve's bed... or mine for that matter? I remember accidentally waking Riv when I whispered her name - someone, I don't recall who - asked what I was doing. I learned that no matter how deeply Riv is sleeping, say her name and she's back awake instantly. It was a mistake I made only once since she jumped and I nearly dropped her.

Have I mentioned lately how much I loathe therapy? I know I was broken and stupid for taking the potions even when I knew that addiction was at the end of it. I know that it is something I'll be fighting for the rest of my life. I don't like admitting that. It makes me look weak. I really hate don't like looking weak. Sulley asked how am I to help Maeve if I'm still a bit broken? She doesn't understand. There is no connection between the two. I am still fully capable of watching out for every last person that I care for. Just because I was weak enough to give into the addiction doesn't mean that I am completely broken. I am healing. I know now coming back when I did wasn't the best decision. I wasn't ready, not by half, to face my past. That is the root of everything. It really had nothing to do with anything else, not really. I wasn't prepared for the sense of loss that I felt when I visited Abbs. It was like losing her all over again. Having Mum right there in my line of sight as I relived the loss of my sister was too much for me. EVERYTHING. That is the key. I managed to build a life for myself away from here, away from the memories, the pain, the fear that I'll never prove myself like Mum wanted. I came back too soon. Idiot that I am, I had to prove how strong I was by coming back alone. Maybe, just maybe, if I'd let Lex come with me then I wouldn't have done so many stupid things. Then again, us being us, we'd likely have started a bar brawl just for the amusement factor and then had our arses handed to us by Mac. Though that would be quite amusing- not to mention painful- it wouldn't help.

I need want have to find out what is going on with Rave. Lex has no clue and I'm completely in the dark about it which means no one knows what is wrong. Once I get Riv settled in here, and find out where the ruddy hell Maeve is, I'll pop over for a visit. Afjc replied to my owl, saying nothing more than not to worry. Right, uh huh. He knows better. I can't let this go on much longer. I should have gone when Lex showed up with Cherokee and no Raven in tow.

Katie replied to my owl. I don't know quite what to do. I did promise to be a friend to her no matter what. Just because she and Fred complete each other totally and completely doesn't mean I have to stay away... does it? Maybe, if I don't screw up, she and I can find some sort of level ground again. I keep my promises to the best of my ability. There is no way bright, cheerful Katie should be hurt by me. I have to find a way to explain that she's done nothing wrong. Even though I saw that I wasn't needed that night, at least I can be a friend... can't I? Should I owl her back? I can't leave her wondering what the hell is going on. I thought they both saw what I did. Is it possible that they don't? I have to think about this...

Tags: afjc, alexi, katie, maeve, raven, river, therapy
Current Location: greg's flat
Current Mood: confused